Thursday, January 24, 2008

Film Review: License to Wed

(No picture for this one -- it doesn't deserve it)

License to Wed - directed by Ken Kwapis (who we must never allow near a camera again)

Ohhhh, what to say about this movie. *sigh* I'd like to point out that I didn't chose to watch it -- I was over at someone's house and they wanted to watch it, and who am I to argue? Suffice to say, the movie was utterly abysmal. I don't think I could've enjoyed it more if I had a serious head injury.

It was just...fuck, it was insipid. Everyone involved seemed to be just going through the motions, like "hooray, we're getting a paycheck for this shit, why even bother?", and I'm so fucking SICK of movies that repeat the same tired gender roles over and over again. Shrewish girl who just needs to relax a bit? Check. Adorably scruffy man-child who just needs to grow up a bit? Check. Hen-pecked husband who lives vicariously through his bachelor friend? Check. Bitter, angry woman whose husband cheated on her and now she hates marriage and men? CHECK. For crying out loud, we're eight years into the 21st-century. I think we can afford to mix it up a little.

I'm not even going to go into how fucking stupid the entire premise of the movie is. It's laughably ridiculous. Only without the "laughably," because I think I chuckled half-heartedly maybe once during the whole dumb thing. I tend to like Robin Williams in certain, very specific roles (One Hour Photo comes to mind) but when he plays in movies like this, he's ANNOYING AS FUCK. Ugh. I wanted to kick him in the head. Hard.

And John Krasinski...oh, John Krasinski. I love the guy, but either he's only good at playing one role, or he just wasn't trying. The movie might as well have been subtitled If Jim Halpert Was Engaged to a Shrew and Wacky Shit Happened Before They Could Tie the Knot. Seriously, even his facial expressions were the same. It was like watching Jim in some horrible alternate universe where Robin Williams made him carry creepy robot babies around. It was awful. The whole movie was just...awful. I could feel my brain cells shriveling up and dying the longer it went on.

And you know what? FUCK THOSE FUCKING ROBOT BABIES. GOD DAMMIT. Animatronic things are creepy enough, but the younger they are, the creepier and more wrong they become. Robot babies? God, they're like the spawn of Satan. They haunt my nightmares, with their wide, creepy mouths and their cold, dead eyes. When the robot apocalypse arrives, these little fuckers are going to be leading the charge. I wouldn't lie about something so horrible.

Bottom line? Unless you really have no use for your brain cells anymore, don't bother with this one. SRSLY.


So@24 said...


You've finally made the transition! You were the only reason I still kept my LJ account. I've actually been crossing my fingers for this.

I can't believe you sat through License to Wed. I mean... what the fuck? Seriously.

Loved your rant about roles in movies these days. So completely true. Did we forget to mention the hilarious buddy side kick who always has some kind of weird quirk to his ways? Like constantly eating Fruity Pebbles or orange tic tacs (cough cough JUNO, cough cough).

janegodzilla said...

Hahaha! I still plan to keep my livejournal account (I can't quit it, no matter how hard I try), but I'm definitely enjoying this blogger thing. Just watch...I'll end up posting random crap here two, three times a day and alienate everyone. XD

As for the movie...after a while, I enjoyed thinking about how I could rant about it, and so I guess it was worth it for that and that alone.

Did we forget to mention the hilarious buddy side kick who always has some kind of weird quirk to his ways?

Forced quirkiness is a rant in and of itself, my friend. HAAAAATE IT.